Ramblings of some guy

I’ve never found it easy to stay close to people I’m no longer around, there’s a lack of reality to chatting online; the absence of the basic senses is something I struggle with when communicating with people. I find things like smell, sound and touch much more powerful in recognition of a person than actually visually seeing them and definitely much more than just talking through a chat program or SMS. Smell and sound are the main 

This lack of connection to people when I’m not around them is a very strange feeling that I do struggle with on a daily basis. I don’t keep in touch with my family as much as most people seem to do, but when I’m around them I can stay up and chat for hours, have a good time and get along with them really well. Don’t get me wrong, I do love my family and I wouldn’t be who I am without them, it’s just I sometimes when I’m not around them, they’re very rarely on my mind and I have no intention on attempting to get in touch and chat about how my day/week/month has gone like I would do when I’m visiting.

The people I talk to the most when I’m not physically around them are people I either regularly see (on a weekly/daily basis) or my girlfriend. Regularly being around people seems to help me feel connected to them for a time after we are no longer around each other, I wonder how they’re doing, what they’re up to and general small talk topics, but I don’t feel it is important what the answers are. I know that sounds really bad, but it’s just the way I feel. I don’t feel anywhere as close to them as I do when I’m around them.

The only exception to this weird state of mind I live in is my girlfriend. I love her so much that I constantly feel connected to her, I’m emotionally invested in her happiness, and I constantly worry about how she’s feeling, hoping she doesn’t feel sad, lonely or negative in any other way. The only way we’ve been able to communicate recently is by sms,phone calls or Skype. The Skyping and calling has definitely helped me feel more connected, but strangely for me, I still feel connected when chatting through SMS. SMS is obviously not enough of a connection though, I don’t feel as connected as I do when calling her, and nowhere near as connected as when I am there (I think that’s probably normal though).

What’s strange about how intensely I feel about her, is that instead of not actively caring about her when I’m not with her, I worry a lot. I don’t feel I’m able to protect her if she has “a moment”, I’m not able to calm her down, not able to hold her and make her feel safe. This is made especially difficult by her issues, her current situation and recent events. I won’t go into any of them, those are personal to her.

The long and short of it is, I don’t feel connected to anyone I’m not around other than her, and when I’m not around her I still feel so connected that I’m constantly worrying more than I probably should.

PS: I struggled with writing this post, and was also unsure if I should even post it. I’m worried it will paint me in a very bad light, as a person who doesn’t care for anyone. This isn’t the case, when I’m with people I feel completely connected to them, I feel the whole range of emotions. Sometimes even a memory can trigger me to suddenly feel connected to someone again. It’s just not being there with them makes me not think about them at all.