Ramblings of some guy

They really do, sometimes you just know that the path you’re heading down is the right path to be taking, so you just run down it, paying little attention in what’s going on around you, because you are exactly where you want to be, with the people you want to be there with.

On January 7th this year, a path which I had long ago decided was not one I’ll be able to go down was opened up to me. This path as such, was a life with the greatest person to ever enter my life, Lynette Davies. The relationship I’ve had with her over the years is a hard one to explain, when I first met her she was with someone very close to me. We grew close and quickly became very good friends, able to confide in each other and trust each other with nearly any secret we happened to have. This friendship grew into much more than a friendship, we fell in love, at a time when we really shouldn’t have done.

Since then we’ve gone through a lot together, one major event that made us closer than ever before, and will live with us for the rest of our lives. It’s something neither us can forget, and neither of us want to forget. After that event, something else threw us apart, we had our first proper falling out, and it was a serious one. We didn’t speak for well over a year. We started speaking again in the July of last year, and instantly went back to our old ways. This was excellent, I loved speaking to Lynne again, I suddenly realised how empty my life was without her in it, how much I’d missed her since we’d last spoken, and how much of an idiot I had been for refusing to speak to her over something which was, in the grand scheme of things, a small thing to get mad over. This unfortunately came to an end sooner than I had hoped, her partner at the time got jealous of our relationship and we were forced to stop communicating.

This brings it back to January 7th, a few days before I got a message from Lynne. I can’t remember exactly what she said, but there were 2 things that struck me. The first was that she was communicating with me again, after months without contact for reasons mentioned before. The second was that she seemed very distressed. I later learned that her partner had left her completely out of the blue and that she had a complete mental break causing her to end up in hospital. Which is not the thing you want to be hearing from someone you consider to be your best friend, even if you haven’t been able to speak to them for a considerable amount of time.

We spent the next few days just chatting through the night, catching up and reminiscing about how things once were. Before we knew it, we had both decided that we were seeing each other again, we never asked each other how they thought, we just knew where we were. It’s a strange feeling to have that connection with someone, and it’s one I’m so glad I’ve found. So, January 7th, the day I finally got to be with the woman I love in a way that no one can have any real objections, nothing standing in my way, the path was opened.

So, nearly 3 months on from that date, and we’ve been running down that path together, aiming for the same goal, knowing that we both want it. The goal we’re running towards is a common one, but most people take it slowly, tip-toeing along, making sure that they are ready, their partner is ready and that people around them have accepted their relationship. Me and Lynne see things differently, we know what we want, and we know what the other wants, and that is a life together, marriage, kids and our own house. Growing old with each other and enjoying our lives along the way. We know each other well enough that we don’t feel the need to slow things down, we know what we’re doing is what we want and we know that we’re not going to change our minds about it.

Over Valentine’s Day, a big thing happened in our lives. One of the major things we’d been aiming for actually came to be. We got pregnant. Our life together had become an amazingly real thing that we would definitely never forget, our first child together was on the way. I couldn’t stop smiling, she couldn’t stop smiling, we were so ridiculously happy I’m sure we could have been declared insane (more so than already). Things unfortunately came crashing down to earth a few weeks later when Lynne collapsed in the bathroom. She booked an emergency appointment with the doctors to make sure everything was all right. What we learned, was that the pregnancy was ectopic, meaning the life of Lynne was in danger if things weren’t done to resolve the issue. We were forced into a situation we never wanted to be in, we were going to lose the baby. In the space of 2 months, we had managed to get to a stage where most couples would take years to get to, and then lose it all in a matter of days. We had the most extreme emotional rollercoaster I have ever experienced in the space of 2 weeks.

After managing to hit both ends of the emotional spectrum within a week, we’ve recently managed to find the middle ground and return to a state that we enjoy being in. The other night, a very interesting conversation took place. We were talking about where our relationship actually is, how we’re more than just boyfriend and girlfriend to each other due to how much we both want to be with each other. The next thing we knew, we woke up engaged and beaming from ear to ear just thinking about the conversation from the night before. Being engaged means a lot, it’s a sign of things to come, a step that was inevitable but still amazing to have finally got through. I can’t explain how amazing it is to finally be at this stage with the person I’ve always wanted to be with. Yes, we’ve missed the beautiful, romantic proposal and the shiny ring, but that is still going to happen, it’s an amazing gesture that I want to be able to provide when I’m able to, but for now, I think we’re both over the moon with being engaged, although it must feel weird for her, engaged but with nothing on her finger to show for it.

So, in under 3 months, we’ve gone from not talking to engaged, we’ve bounced through nearly every emotion possible, and managed to have to deal with a situation that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemies. We’ve gone through more with each other in the last 3 months than some couples I know have gone through in the years they’ve been together. I don’t regret any of it, I’m happier now than I’ve ever been before, I’m with the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with, and we know exactly where we’re going and are able to trust each other, and confide in each other more than anyone else I’ve ever known.

I’ve never found it easy to stay close to people I’m no longer around, there’s a lack of reality to chatting online; the absence of the basic senses is something I struggle with when communicating with people. I find things like smell, sound and touch much more powerful in recognition of a person than actually visually seeing them and definitely much more than just talking through a chat program or SMS. Smell and sound are the main 

This lack of connection to people when I’m not around them is a very strange feeling that I do struggle with on a daily basis. I don’t keep in touch with my family as much as most people seem to do, but when I’m around them I can stay up and chat for hours, have a good time and get along with them really well. Don’t get me wrong, I do love my family and I wouldn’t be who I am without them, it’s just I sometimes when I’m not around them, they’re very rarely on my mind and I have no intention on attempting to get in touch and chat about how my day/week/month has gone like I would do when I’m visiting.

The people I talk to the most when I’m not physically around them are people I either regularly see (on a weekly/daily basis) or my girlfriend. Regularly being around people seems to help me feel connected to them for a time after we are no longer around each other, I wonder how they’re doing, what they’re up to and general small talk topics, but I don’t feel it is important what the answers are. I know that sounds really bad, but it’s just the way I feel. I don’t feel anywhere as close to them as I do when I’m around them.

The only exception to this weird state of mind I live in is my girlfriend. I love her so much that I constantly feel connected to her, I’m emotionally invested in her happiness, and I constantly worry about how she’s feeling, hoping she doesn’t feel sad, lonely or negative in any other way. The only way we’ve been able to communicate recently is by sms,phone calls or Skype. The Skyping and calling has definitely helped me feel more connected, but strangely for me, I still feel connected when chatting through SMS. SMS is obviously not enough of a connection though, I don’t feel as connected as I do when calling her, and nowhere near as connected as when I am there (I think that’s probably normal though).

What’s strange about how intensely I feel about her, is that instead of not actively caring about her when I’m not with her, I worry a lot. I don’t feel I’m able to protect her if she has “a moment”, I’m not able to calm her down, not able to hold her and make her feel safe. This is made especially difficult by her issues, her current situation and recent events. I won’t go into any of them, those are personal to her.

The long and short of it is, I don’t feel connected to anyone I’m not around other than her, and when I’m not around her I still feel so connected that I’m constantly worrying more than I probably should.

PS: I struggled with writing this post, and was also unsure if I should even post it. I’m worried it will paint me in a very bad light, as a person who doesn’t care for anyone. This isn’t the case, when I’m with people I feel completely connected to them, I feel the whole range of emotions. Sometimes even a memory can trigger me to suddenly feel connected to someone again. It’s just not being there with them makes me not think about them at all.

Sometimes in life you meet someone awesome, someone that you have such a great connection with that all you seem to do is think about them, and being with them makes you smile a stupid grin. Unfortunately, sometimes this awesome person is someone that everyone around you doesn’t want you to spend much time with for whatever reason; sometimes these reasons are perfectly acceptable, and in my case, three or so years ago, they were.

I’m not going to go into the details of why we probably shouldn’t have been spending the time together that we did; but those reasons no longer exist. The fact they no longer exist doesn’t help completely, even years later I still feel that people won’t be able to completely accept the fact that we are together, and I’m worried that my family may show some hostility when we let people know of our plans and the current status of our relationship.

Although our relationship started 3 1/2 years ago (behind closed doors) and we are still ridiculously close today, we spent a long time not communicating due to things that were both said and not said by both of us on a subject which I have only fully disclosed to a few people even though it is something that has been on my mind for years and is a very touchy subject that I get emotional about nearly every time I discuss it.

Only recently have we been in a situation where we can actually have a proper relationship, as such we have finally been able to seriously discuss a future between us. It’s been quite interesting and emotional having these discussions, it’s amazing how close we are despite of all we’ve been through and all the obstacles we’ve had to contend with throughout our relationship. It also amazes me how well she understands me, how much she makes me laugh and smile, how she has no issues opening up her deepest darkest secrets to me and also accepting me for who I truly am.

She’s the greatest person I’ve ever known, the greatest love of my life, and if I believed in that sort of crap I would describe her as a soul mate. The connection we share is something I have never experienced to this level before, we get each other at the core and it is an amazing feeling to have. I truly do intend to spend the rest of my life with her, start a family with her and die old with her.

But I’m way too pissed off to say much interesting.

Is it bad that I can be so annoyed at something that ranting just doesn’t cut it anymore?

Anyway, some bad/annoying/frustrating things happen to frequently to be healthy, not entirely sure why I bother trying to be happy at times, always end up in a worse state than when I started. Trying to be happy is just like setting yourself up for a kick in the balls, it hurts like fuck and outweighs all the good that came from the experience.

Although, as we all know. As soon as we get the opportunity we try to be happy again, sometimes it even lasts long enough that we feel that nothing can go wrong this time… of course it never lasts long enough and after the now common kick in the nuts, all the happy moments become things that just piss you off. The happy memories become memories you wish you didn’t have. The faces, the smells, the sounds, the songs, the places; they all become things you no longer want, the remind you of what once was, what will never be, and worst of all the kick in the nuts that you thought might not come this time.

And yet we carry on with everything, repeating this vicious loop, hoping that at some point the happiness will only end when your life ends and you’ll leave the world with a smile on your face, instead of just ANOTHER kick in the nuts.

Okay, apparently I am in the mood to rant, ignore the title if you want.

I intended to do some blog posts on stuff, I forgot what now, it’s been a while since I last updated.

Well, new things have happened since then, so lets do a quick catch-up.

1. I started work on amdavies.com — I didn’t like alixd.co.uk, too unprofessional looking domain. Once I get amdavies.com up and running properly I’ll do a nice redirect. I started on amdavies.com a while ago and then stopped, as I normally do.
2. I’m not sure on the last status update of Chester, but he started eating again, and is now nice and chubby as a Western Hognose should be :D
3. Some serious stuff went down… again, related to the last properly serious thing that occurred to me. It’s all very personal and lots of people are involved so I don’t want to go through it all. Either way, I’m a bit touchy on certain subjects again at the moment. So good fun.
4. Kier and Mike of vBullet (pre-IB takeover) fame, have announced their upcoming new form software, XenForo. I have a lot of respect in the work these guys do, I was impressed with everything they did at Jelsoft when they had some creative control, so I can’t wait to have a play with this from the admin/developer side.
5. Kier showed off a little cool thing for member profiles. I played about with it and wrote a cool script to do some stat signatures. Was pretty good fun to work on for a day or so. Never really played with GD much.
6. Mikey hinted at a decent Xen*.com domain still available so I grabbed it up :D
7. I just finished spending a few days working on said domain, allowing users to generate the URL for my sig image stuff :D XenMod is looking pretty hawt.

That’s about all the interesting things I can think of. Anything else that happened was either not that important and so instantly forgettable, or I just forgot cause my memory is kind of shocking.